He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
