Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize