youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
