ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
