I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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