it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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