Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Randomize
