god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
