if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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