I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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