Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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