Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
