I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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