Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
