please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Randomize
