I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
BRING THE BAGELS
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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