well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
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