Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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