just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
