Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
