my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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