I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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