I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
