How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
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