Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
