Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Your cock deserves a montage
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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