Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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