nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
