I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
