shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
