TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
