I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
