After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
