Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
