i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
She even gives head with a lisp.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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