What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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