I don't usually arrange sex via text message
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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