Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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