Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
