My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
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