She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
