Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
