She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
