Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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