Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
