Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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