I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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