ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
