I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
