I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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