I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
