shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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