Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
